Johnny Remember Me
Following on from my reference at the end of the last piece about hoping we would be one of Charles Bronson, James Coburn, or Johnny Leyton, rather than the more likely seeming Steve McQueen from The Great Escape, and the fact we are playing Leyton Orient, then here I am using the title of Johnny Leyton’s 1961 number one hit (his only number one single).
We are back in action at home a week after the spirit sapping disappointment of another lacklustre away performance as we contrived to make the equally shite Stevenage look remotely decent in the last ten minutes and let them come away with all three points in a 3–1 loss for us.
Being a bit of a stats geek I was looking at SoccerSTATS.com during the week, and after last weekend’s game we have the unenviable record of being the team in League One who has had the lead in games for the least time on average (15.1% — even Shrewsbury have 15.3%), and not content with that, we are also the team who have been losing in games for the longest time on average — 40.8% (again Shrewsbury are the next worst on 37.2%).
What I was actually looking for was the added time at the end of the game for the season to save me having to go into each game separately. But I had to do that anyway. I was interested to see what the difference was in added time when we were winning as opposed to trailing. When losing, the added time indicated averaged out at 4 minutes and 44 seconds, and on average 5 minutes and 55 seconds were played. When drawing these times went up to 5 minutes 16 seconds and 6 minutes 38 seconds, and when winning then went up again to 5 minutes 38 seconds and 7 minutes dead. So not only does the added time go up if we are drawing or winning, but the additional time played after the indicated time also goes up more when winning or drawing.
And whilst I’m moaning about seeming inequalities, we have the fourth least fouls conceded in the division, yet the second highest number of yellow cards, the only side with less than five fouls conceded per yellow card. I know some of that is Bradley Ibrahim’s mouth, but it is ridiculous. We are the ninth most fouled side, yet yellows against us is down in fifteenth. And it’s an absolute joke that we’ve only been given one penalty all season, back in September against Stockport.
On Friday we announced the emergency loan signing of yet another keeper, this time Luke Hutchinson from Bolton Wanderers as he is in due to an ‘unfortunate injury’ to JoJo Wollacott. When he plays it will be the seventh goalkeeper of the season, only one behind the number of clean sheets.
That was following other announcements during the week, such as the design a new Reggie is back on, this time without CTSA involvement, and then the one that the pissheads may enjoy more, a CTFC lager is being released in time for today’s game — Red Devils Lager — with the strap line of ‘one hell of a beer’. It would need one hell of a lot of them to wipe the memories of this season out.
The latest Four Four Two magazine has an article on the best fifty players in the EFL. It may surprise you to know but no Crawley players make the list. However, they do include one player from each club who didn’t ‘quite’ make the list, and for us it is Charlie Barker.
Back to today and our opponents. We have played Leyton Orient eighteen times in the league, winning ten, drawing one, and losing seven, with a record of five wins, a draw, and three losses at The Broadfield. And there is one loss in the football league trophy three years ago.
That includes the terrible away defeat back on Boxing Day, where we lost 3–0, and we were lucky to score nil, and even luckier that the goals against wasn’t in double figures. Going into the game we are six points off safety, meanwhile Leyton Orient are five points and three places off the play off places, and both of us are realistically chasing the one side.
As is always the case, here’s hoping we don’t get a perfectly good goal disallowed like we did in our last home game of the season back in 2022. But given the state of some of the ridiculous decisions and non-decisions given against us this season I’m not going to hold my breath.
For the away game I managed to dig out a Topps Card from the last of the seasons they did the standard sized cards when they were in Division Two and had just signed Ian Moores from Tottenham Hotspur. The thing was I was sure I’d remembered one from that era for John Chiedozie. But after scouring the checklists, there wasn’t. That was because I was misremembering, and the John Chiedozie card wasn’t from Topps, but was a Top Trumps card from their British Strikers set. So only partially losing my mind.
My football card obsession is covered in this piece.
I’m at the ground early, even by my standards, so early the Leyton Orient team bus hadn’t even turned up yet, and I was waiting to be let through the turnstiles before half one, so with being here so early I hope I’m not flagging by the end.
The woolly hats, six layers of branded clothing, and gloves have been replaced for today and it is short sleeves, a cap, and sunglasses needed as I take my seat in the east marquee and finish off writing the short story I started at writing group earlier. It is a welcome change.
The away end is filling up with fans in good voice well before kick-off. Leyton Orient are in an all pale blue kit, almost Coventry City from the eighties like. And as usual we are in our all red home kit. Before we kick off, the early results saw Wrexham fail to win, which means we will be doing the guard of honour thing on Good Friday as Brimingham City have been confirmed as League One champions. It could be a double celebration for them as they are also in the Bristol Street Motors Trophy final tomorrow, so they will be going all out to put on a performance next week. Just what we need.
Our emergency loan keeper signing, Luke Hutchinson appears to have a hell of a kick on him. Watching in warm up he was effortlessly booming the ball down the pitch into the opposite penalty area.
It’s kick off time, and we start well, a god early attack down the right wing, Armando Junior Quitirna and Toby Mullarkey link up well, and the latter puts a ball through for Kamari Doyle to get on the end of, his cross is deflected off an Orient boot into Rushian Hepburn-Murphy’s face and goes back across to Doyle, only for the flag to go up for offside a good ten seconds later.
Which wakes TAFKAL up nice and early. He is in fine voice throughout, having been away on holiday for the last couple of games he has given his throat a much-needed rest and is looking to get involved.
We attack down the left and Jeremy Kelly plays it across midfield to Liam Fraser, and his shot from twenty-five yards out is closed down and blocked on the edge of the area. There is lots of attacking intent, a ball down the channel finds RHM on the right for a change and his ball into Doyle in the box is just too close to the keeper. We have a break down the left and Doyle is hauled down and an Orient player picks up an early booking.
The lino on our side is fiddling with his earpiece. I’m assuming he is making sure the cheese is firmly embedded in there to protect against TAFKAL. (Yes, that is an incredibly old ‘Allo ‘Allo reference.)
Orient break down the right and get a cross in and force a good save from Hutchinson. Then they break down the left only for it to be stopped by a great sliding challenge from Fraser. Charlie Barker plays a long ball over the top from the back and Doyle is onto it and away, and from the left edge of the box he shoots but it goes wide right.
There is another break down the left, a well-timed pass from Kelly finds RHM is lots of space, he cuts inside in the box and has a shot, but it is straight at the keeper, and he saves down low.
We have a sustained bit of possession across the front of the Orient box but can’t find a telling pass in to get a shot, and although we keep possession, we end up playing it all the way back. A ball is played through and Panutche Camara goes down under a challenge, nothing is given and Orient break and win a corner. It’s difficult to tell, but Camara picks up a booking before the corner is taken, whether it is because the ref thought he dived, or because Camara was bending his ear too vociferously about being fouled, who knows. The corner is well claimed by Hutchinson.
AJQ is showing lots of good stuff in attack, beating players with pace and skill and tricks, and is getting manhandled on and off the ball, including a stray knee to the head for which the ref doesn’t stop play. But he finally wins a free kick just over halfway, and it is swung into the box by Kelly. Barker gets his head to it but is stretching and can’t control the contact and it goes over the bar. We are having a lot of decent possession, but as with so many other games this season, we are desperately in need of that final killer ball.
The Orient keeper goes down with an injury, and whilst he is down all the other players on the pitch are over by the dugouts in the shade. It takes a couple of minutes for him to get up and he is moving gingerly, so surely time to try and put some pressure on him. But it’s Orient doing the attacking down the left, they work in a good cross, and only some reasonable defending pressure sees the header at the back post go harmlessly wide.
We have been doing our usual fannying about taking goal kicks and free kicks in the box, and it looks as if the ref is striding toward Hutchinson to give him a yellow card. Dion Conroy makes a decent interception and takes the long talking to by the ref who has obviously had enough of us fucking about with the ball in the box at set pieces. A bit cheeky, he’s only here for today, we have to put up with it every week. Can see a timewasting yellow card coming if they persist with this shit in the second half.
There are two added minutes at the end of the half, which sees another break down the right from Orient, and they win a corner, from it they work it short, and get a cross in and a header at the back post, but Hutchinson claims it and the whistle goes for half time with it 0–0.
It was a good job I’d been to writing before the game, I didn’t realise how little space I had left in my little matchday notepad and would have run out if I hadn’t got my other stuff with me today.
And we start the second half quickly as well, a switch from the right finds Kelly on the left, he plays Bradley Ibrahim into the box, his attempted cross is blocked but it comes back to him, and he shoots which is saved and goes for a corner. It comes in and goes high in the air and Mullarkey wins a header and when it comes back down there is a handball (although it did look more like a forearm smash on Mullarkey and should have been a red). Miracle of miracles, we get a penalty, only the second of the season, which still leaves us bottom of the list. Anyway when everyone is back on their feet AJQ steps up and smashes the ball down the middle and we lead 1–0.
From the restart we attack again through AJQ, but his cross is cleared. It is hoofed down the pitch and is in the air a long time (someone we were speaking to after the game suggested it was in the air so long; he’d had the chance to go to the bar and get a drink before it landed). Anyway Conroy lets it bounce and then misjudges it and doesn’t get near it when it comes down a second time, an Orient attacker is on it and slots it in to equalise 1–1. (That time leading stat isn’t going to improve like that.)
I blinked and missed what the fuck we were doing at the restart but suddenly Orient have the ball in our box again, somehow, they have three on one over on the left wing and play it through the statues of our defence. Hutchinson saves twice but is at the feet of an attacker trying to prevent a third attempt and is deemed to have brought him down and it is a penalty. And a yellow card for Hutchinson. Who gets sent the wrong way and we trail 2–1.
Seriously, what the fuck was that mad three minutes about.
We haven’t let heads drop though and Doyle wins the ball in midfield and slides a lovely ball through to Fraser in the box, but his shot is saved. RHM is having an afternoon of it. He gets wrestled to the ground (again) and gets a free kick, but where was the deserved yellow card for that piece of thuggery? He is bundled over again seconds later but nothing given this time, instead Orient play on and have a shot which is deflected for a corner.
On the other side of the pitch AJQ is down injured, and it isn’t good as he has to be replaced, with Will Swan coming on in his stead. We also withdraw Doyle from proceedings with Jack Roles coming on, much to Rick’s excitement behind me. There is a lot of pushing and shoving going on in the box before the corner is taken and the ref goes in to have words. No sooner does the corner leave the taker’s foot then the ref has blown the whistle for a free kick to us.
RHM is bundled over yet again in midfield and the Orient brick shithouse is given a yellow card on totting up I would assume, rather than for that somewhat less innocuous one. Orient are making subs and send both subs on when the board is up for the first change. When the board goes up for the second one and no one comes on the ref goes looking for the second sub and finding him already lined up on the pitch gives him a yellow card as well.
As is often the case we are trying to do a spell of attacking but are almost undone by a fast break down the left wing, but at least the Orient shot is wide. We attack down the right and win a corner. It is cleared to where Camara is standing in the centre circle, but he makes a hash of controlling it and leaves us having to defend again. A free kick isn’t cleared and a cross flashes across the six-yard box only we are fortunate that there is no one following it up at the back post. The Orient striker lies on the edge of the box injured and takes an absolute age to be subbed. We make a substitution as well with Fraser going off to be replaced by Tyreese John-Jules.
Orient have a long throw into the box from the left wing which is just about smuggled clear. The board goes up to show eight added minutes (and the second of my pre-match stat rambles to get shot down).
And yet again we are masters of our own downfall, pressure down the left on Barker sees him play it back to Hutchinson, but the box is full of Orient players, he plays it toward Ibrahim on the edge of the box, but it is too short and slow and an Orient player nips in and slots the ball in and we now trail 1–3, and no amount of added time is going to save us. This prompts a serious attempt at a fire drill from the east marquee. I have a lot of sympathy for Hutchinson. He’s brought in as an emergency loan without much a chance to get up to speed (granted, that of a snail) with how we play. Surely it would be far better just to stop the fannying about at the back and just tell him to launch it.
We do win a corner from the restart, but it should have been more, the ball to TJJ was a peach, but his control was terrible and instead of a decent shooting opportunity, it went wide, and he had to attempt a cross. We take it short and waste it.
TAFKAL has been getting on at the full back to hurry up and for the lino to do his job, but some of the locally seated fans seem to not be in the mood for his return from holiday and three of them have turned around angrily and shouted at him to shut up. Not going to happen.
Eight minutes are soon up, and the final whistle goes, and it is another defeat 1–3. It isn’t good. There are more harsh words from fans to players and the manager who looks less than impressed by this.
The crowd shown on the scoreboard said 4,796, but we’ve given up announcing it and there is no mention of how many of them were away fans (or how many of us can actually see the fucking scoreboard).
Although Bristol Rovers lost again, Burton Albion had a comfortable 3–0 win against Huddersfield (that 5–1 looks worse and worse now), and they have gone ahead of Bristol Rovers. In reality we can only catch these two, the gap to anyone else is now 11 points and there are only 12 to play for. In reality we need seven and hope neither Bristol Rovers nor Burton pick up any points (the extra point required is because of the massive seventeen goals better goal different Burton have over us).
And we have champions Birmingham City on Friday. I have my ticket and have five days in Lisbon in between to not think about football.
Come on you reds.
Originally published on my own website (without the pictures) at the link below.
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